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11:29 pm
[Link] | Next year is going to be a good year. I can feel it in my bones. This prospect is the only thing keeping me alive at the moment, so I shall savor it.
In other news: Today granted me the striking realization of how truly lucky I am.
Slowly, but surely.
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03:03 am
[Link] | We weave the sound of the alarm clock into our dreams, and sleep in the bed we made for ourselves.
God forbid we allow a burden to be dealt upon our soft, Palmolive hands.
Sometimes I am honestly so glad to be the person that I've become.
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03:57 pm
[Link] | why did i bother
............................................................................
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10:47 pm
[Link] | freaking out freaking out freaking out
FREAKING THE FUCK OUT
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04:06 am
[Link] | Excuse me, I would like to propose a toast!
A glorious day is upon us! Sadness and I are so glad all of you could be here on this joyous occasion! We've finally decided to tie the knot. It is a marriage made in heaven, ladies and gentlemen.
Isn't Sadness great everyone? My goodness, truly love at first sight. We just compliment each other so well. Sadness's warmth coupled with my tears--she has shown me what it truly means to be alive.
Friends and family, I feel as though I've known her my whole life. Sadness completes me, and she is all mine.
So thank you all for wishing us a long and prosperous life together, I will cherish it with all my heart. I certainly couldn't imagine life without her.
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02:45 am
[Link] | i hear the laughter at my expense, and i feel the corrosive disregard like a cataract of filth.
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01:47 am
[Link] | Trying to understand my current state has been a trial. Constantly found turning inward only to ask: "what has happened to me?"
Lately, my mind has been overwhelmed with a staggering feeling of nostalgia that has only caused me to act on childish impulse. Seeking the latent certainty that I felt previous to this adverse moment, I've honestly wondered why I am suddenly unhappy and insecure. The truth is held in the fact that I have simply been introduced to a more tangible reality that I haven't been accustomed to. In other words, the "real world" has left me depressed.
I suppose this was a growth on my part, but at the same time, I never wanted to know the terrible truths about the universe and the pains associated with it. I wish I never understood how badly people treated one another, nor did I care to fall within a realm of misfortune that makes me resent my surroundings as a whole. No wonder people can feel so certain about their lives, when they flutter about in a state of perpetual complacency and blissful ignorance. My psyche has been bombarded entirely with the actualities that cause discontentment, as opposed to the idealistic dream that we all have for the way things should be. People should give a damn about one another, things should come to those who deserve it, and the world should go according to what is right. Unfortunately, the glass ceiling is more firm as we get older.
Reality hinders rapture.
"To be truly radical is to make hope possible rather than despair convincing" -Raymond Williams
This has yet to be achieved by anyone.
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09:03 am
[Link] | paralysis. haunting paralysis.
it is my own, my very own.
the fiends can consume what is left.
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03:12 pm
[Link] | stuck in my filth stuck in my filth.
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09:16 pm
[Link] | I'm losing it.
I am fucking losing it.
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03:49 am
[Link] | I am affected by all things I see in everything I come across. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Most of the time, things I wish I had gone my entire life without seeing or knowing.
Which leads me to a question: is it a bad thing to be so impressionable?
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05:16 pm
[Link] | The words that are said( or not, for that matter) resonate in the seams of my memory, like a bad song that I can't get out of my head, completely obscuring my ability to have any other thoughts. Everything that I do rests upon the actions and reactions of others.
Just something to add to my list of excuses for self-pity and lack of concentration.
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10:02 pm
[Link] | i'm not cut out for this life.
the more i'm thrown head first into life's pavement,
the weaker i become.
this isn't fair.
delirium is taking a hold of me.
the furrows of pain
have forced me to
keep sinking
does it matter?
doesn't fucking matter.
i wouldn't know anything about this
remind me again
what has caused such a lapse?
how much longer do i have to dance around this,
until i get your attention?
why am i not dead yet????????
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02:43 am
[Link] | I ache for the previous and transient breath of rapture. This current feeling is really stinky.
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12:44 am
[Link] | this is sickening. i hate college.
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01:10 pm
[Link] | i live the most pathetic life imaginable.
kill me now.
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12:14 am
[Link] | It has become very clear to me that the things I do don't matter, despite all of the exhaustion and effort. For what purpose do I put forth so much stress when all I'm given in return is anguish and grief...? I seem to be the only person not fluttering around in selfish and puerile activities that pollute the minds of the simple-minded philistines who currently take up my immediate surroundings.
And what do I gain?...
Nothing.
No more am I endowed with any sense of self-worth or considerable satisfaction with my life. I'm sure nobody else in the world is truly satisfied, but sometimes I believe that a few should be. I've always been aware of my place and what I possessed, but I used to cling to the initial comfort I gained when I believed to at least have my talent and my intellect. However, my confidence in each of these intrinsic aspects of my being has completely shattered...along with every positive perception I had of myself.
So, in order to gain a new sense of confidence, I've watched myself subconsciously seek out a new comfort in material affairs such as girls, money, and acceptance into a social life...
And it is making me absolutely SICK. Those are intangible and arbitrary endeavors that only bring solace to the weak that require it...OKAY? Okay.
So, something needs to stop. Something needs to renew my sense of self-worth.
Disappointment.
Heartache.
Pain.
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03:03 am
[Link] | why not dead.
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10:46 pm
[Link] | worst year...ever.
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01:05 am
[Link] | Everything is in a haze again. This is happening more and more lately. My weaknesses and insecurities have become so distorted that I cannot possibly obtain any level of self-respect anymore. I am disgusted with myself. I continue to stew in my own filth, while wallowing in ever-growing self-hatred. I can easily spew about my relation to my surroundings and speak of the constant decay of my world, but in the end, I am no better.
Hostility and resentment is all that I know. I am spiteful due to my growing rejection towards my surroundings, yet I am softened by the forced reflection that comes from pain.
So what have I learned?
I have learned that my ego gets the best of my perception of reality.
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